MatchMaker
by TerraGram
Summary: Sometimes, even the most dangerous men need help with love. AU, crack with a dash of OOC-ness


**A/N:** Well here we are! This is a little crack story that I came up with a few days ago. I really hope you enjoy it, because I know I had a great time writing it :)

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If you were walking down town, in a rather large city, you probably wouldn't give a second glance to a strange looking individual sitting by themselves, studying very intently what seemed to be nothing. But the certain man that just so happened to be sitting by himself, studying what seemed to be thin air was far more strange than the average weirdo in a big city. At first he would seem normal, a pinstriped suit, shiny leather shoes and a large silver watch on his wrist. Heck, some may even say he was a man of means; a mans-man. However after doing a double take, like most passer-bys, you would probably be shocked by his appearance. His face was something to behold, skin sunken in, dark circles surrounding his small eyes and large blue dreadlocks protruding from his scalp. And the most fearful thing about this man had to be the tattoos that decorated his neck and the rest of his body; to most he would be nothing more than a drug addict in nice clothing. But what many don't know is that this man was a master of romance. In fact, he was not staring into thin air like most people had come to believe, he was studying his new client who just happened to be sitting in the park on the other side of the road.

In all his years Eddie had helped a lot of men find love. Most being pathetic men who needed a little kick in the pants in order to "release the love monster" as he liked to put it. His philosophy was that everyone deserves love, and he was a god sent angel who was sent to aid the _romantically_ _challenged_. As he sat there studying the man eating the large pretzel on the bench across the street Eddie would venture a guess that this was going to be his most challenged client to date.

The first clue being that the man did not resemble his regular cliental. To put this politely most of the men he had helped were... how to put this… scrawny, sad little men who liked to read harlequin romances and thought a brothel was a place to purchase soup. This man however looked like he had just stepped out of an 80's punk rock video. His very pale and muscular body was adorned in a skin tight fishnet shirt; too tight leather pants and a leather jacket too match. His hair stood up in spikes on top of his head and was the most peculiar shade of red.

Narrowing his eyes Eddie continued to eye the redhead. As he did a glint in the sun light caught his eye, he had hoped that he was not seeing what he thought he had saw. A sigh escaped his lips when his fears had come true. Hanging from the clients left nipple was a ring. Eddie lifted himself from the bench smoothing the creases from his pants.

'Okay here we go.' He thought as he moved to cross the road towards the man who just shoved a large piece of pretzel into his open mouth. Growing closer, Eddie began to regret answering his phone this morning, 'that cannot be his real hair colour can it?'

"Mr. Eustass." Eddie said in his most professional voice when he came to stand in front of the other man.

"Whaa d'ya whannt?" Kid said through the pretzel filling his large mouth hole giving the stranger a very unwelcoming look.

"My name is Eddie Caine. I believe you called me this morning. You require my assistance?" the number of emotions that flooded the redheads face as Eddie spoke almost made the matchmaker chuckle. Surprise, embarrassment and happiness all seemed to be fighting for dominance over the man's face.

"Yes, I do!" Kid spattered as he swallowed hard. However it seemed he had too much food in his mouth and began to cough uncontrollably. Eddie raised an eyebrow at this display and took a seat beside the still sputtering man. Once the coughing fits had stopped the punk turned his head with a look Eddie couldn't quiet place.

"Thank you for meeting with me," The man began, "but I need to tell you. If any word of this situation reaches the ears of anyone else, _anyone_, I'll have to deal with in the only way I know how." With those words his eyes grew dark as he shot the other man a glare that would make babies cry, he then cracked his knuckles for good measure. Eddie was slightly shocked by the sudden hostility that the man had just shown, but with this one, he would have to be on his toes.

"Mr. Eustass," in a very convincing voice, "I will have you know that I am the most regarded individual in my field of expertise, and everything that happens during this partnership, stays between only you and I."

On hearing this, the redhead seemed to relax considerably. "Good," he almost laughed out, "I have a reputation to keep up, y'know? I can't have any of my boys knowing I am having lady troubles, I'm supposed to be a lady killer..." Eddie lowered his raised eyebrow, though he was curious, he was not about to ask who these _boys_ were, nor was he going to comment on the ridiculousness of this individual being a lady killer.

The park was cool on the fall day and it was amazing to Eddie how Kid could not be cold, after all his nipples were exposed to the elements.

Breaking the silence Eddie cleared his throat, "So tell me about this girl of yours."

A dreamy look overcame Kid's features as he looked around at the orange and red leaves fluttering down from the trees.

"I don't know where to begin," the man said looking down at his feet, as though embarrassed to be talking about such a subject with another male. "She is amazing, everything about her. From the long blonde hair, the way she walks to her smell. Everything she does is so bewitching."

"You seem to like her a lot." Eddie smirked to himself.

"I do…" The other man said in almost a whisper. "It's just," he began once again, "she doesn't know who I am! She doesn't even know I exist, I see her everyday and not once has she looked my way."

"Well how do you know her? You work together?"

"No." Kid shook his head slightly eyes fixed on the ground in front of him.

Eddie could tell this was not something he was going to want to hear, but it's all part of the job. "You live in the same building?" He probed.

"No."

"Well how do you know her then?" Eddie was usually a very patient man, but he could tell Kid was going to be working on his last nerve before the contract was complete.

Taking a deep breath, Kid stopped abruptly and looked the taller man in the eye. "The way I know her is I saw her while I was in the back ally beating out the shit out of a guy that owed me money. She lived in the apartments across the street. And the reason I see her every morning is because I wait in the ally until she leaves. I just _have_ to see her." Eddie almost fell over; there was no way that this was going to work out.

It was early in the morning when Eddie had told Kid to meet him outside his apartment. Eddie glanced down at his watch impatiently, the guy was 15 minutes late and this whole operation depended on time. Time was the main thing for everything to fall into place perfectly. And this _punk_ thought he could just be late. Eddie huffed loudly as he began to pace on the sidewalk in front of the buildings entrance. With each stride he took Eddie felt the irritation growing more and more intense, never in his career had he been treated in such a way. If Kid really cared about this girl he would have been here at the crack of dawn, begging for him, Eddie Caine, to teach him the way of women.

Amidst his mental rant the man had not noticed the group of school children that were passing by on their way to school, nor did he notice that when he let out a frustrated grunt that the kids basically ran the rest of the way.

"Oi." A voice called from behind Eddie. He whipped his head around to see Kid standing behind him, rubbing his head sleepily giving him a stupid look. He wanted to rip his face off.

After a few calming breathes the matchmaker was able to centre himself enough to lead the man to their objective. Hopefully they weren't too late.

"What are we doing here?" Kid hissed in Eddie's ear as they hid behind a rather suspicious van. Kid looked around quickly and felt his neck grow hot. Everyone was giving them weird looks and he didn't like it.

Though who could blame the pedestrians? Kid and Eddie were a very interesting sight to behold. A punk rocker and a guy who looked like he had just come from Wall Street were huddled close together behind a pedophile looking van peering around the side at an apartment building.

"I feel like a _fool_" Kid hissed again

"Will you be quiet!" Eddie scolded taking his eyes away from the building to give the whining man an agitated look. Surprise shot through his well-dressed body when he looked back to the apartment building.

"There she is!" he whispered to Kid excitedly as he saw the woman of the redhead's affections leave the entrance. "Let's GO!" he then proceeded to grab Kid by the arm and roughly pull him to his feet.

"What are we doing?" Kid pulled his arm from the other man's grip, trying to keep up with the long strides.

"We are following your lovely lady."

"That's stalking! I don't want her to think I'm a creep." The man exclaimed loudly. Eddie turned around abruptly and gave Kid the 'don't-get-me-started-on-you-being-a-creep' look, as if reading the dreadlocked man's mind Kid huffed loudly before starting to walk at a quickened pace after the female.

"Stay here." Eddie ordered once he saw the woman walk into a small café. His plan was starting to come together perfectly.

"Don't tell me what to do, I hired you remember?" Kid spat with a very stubborn tone. Eddie twitched slightly; he could practically feel his nerves beginning to thin. Rubbing his temples, he turned to face the man behind him.

"Mr. Eustass, could you please stay here while I go in and try to _help you_ get the woman of your dreams. _PLEASE_"

This seemed to please the stubborn man. A smirk appeared on his pale face and he practically sang "I suppose that will be okay."

Eddie opened the door and slipped into the café as quickly and quietly as he could. The smell of coffee beans drifted up into his nostrils as he stood in line, trying his best to ignore the weird looks he was getting. Eddie's eyes were fixated on the woman a few people in front of him. Her long blonde hair hung neatly above her black jeans. Continuing to study her from the poke-a-dot shirt to the brown boots, there was something off; Eddie just couldn't put his finger on it.

The woman pulled out her wallet to pay for her coffee and Eddie saw this as his chance to strike, moving from his place in line and with the agility of a cat he _accidentally_ knocked the woman as he made his way to the washroom. The contents of the wallet fell to the floor and the woman made a grab for it.

"I am so sorry miss!" He said in his fake apologetic voice. "Let me get that for you!" he snatched the wallet off the floor before the woman could pick it up. Very quickly he looked inside the wallet for any form of identification, playing it off as though there was some dirt and he was cleaning it off for her.

"Its fine…" the woman said taking her wallet from the man. Eddie smiled at her before making a beeline for the door. Not that he had seen, but the woman had watched him leave, a very confused look present on her face. Not that many could see her face, the long bangs were covering most of it.

Eddie felt dread well up in his stomach as he exited the coffee shop. How was he going to break this news to Kid? The lump grew worse as he saw the man's face light up on the other side of the street. When reaching him, Kid seemed like a child waiting for his Christmas presents.

"So what did you find out?" he pressed excitedly, "Do you know her name?"

"Killer."

Kid's face began to glow and started to do a strange jig like happy dance. It was as though that piece of information was a gold mine. "Oh this is amazing! I never thought I would know her name! Sure it's a little strange, but that makes me love it even more!"

"His." Eddie corrected quietly

Kid stopped his happy dance and turned to look at the Zombie like man. "P-Pardon."

"His name, the love of your life is a man."

"This is okay." Kid said for the millionth time as he paced back and forth in the penthouse apartment. Looking up from pouring the tea, Eddie saw the worry on the other man's face. This job had turned out to be much more work than he had anticipated. Grabbing both cups of tea he walked into the living room and gestured for Kid to take a seat. The distraught man flopped down on the white leather couch and placed a hand on his face. "I can't believe this is happening." He groaned taking the cup in hand.

Walking around the coffee table Eddie situated himself across from Kid. Concern apparent on his face. He had to feel bad for the guy, after all it's not everyday that you find out the woman you love is actually a man that shit only happens on Jerry Springer.

After giving Kid a few moments to collect his thoughts Eddie opened his mouth, "You know Kid; it's really not as bad as it seems, though, if it is bothering you that much I will understand if you would wish to cancel my services. You will not have to pay a dime." This whole situation was rather upsetting to Eddie as well you see, never in his life had he had a failed contract. However, Kid did something miraculous that the other man had never expected. With great force Kid whipped back his head and drained the contents of the tea up like it was hard liquor, and with equal force slammed the cup down on the coffee table shattering it into little painted china pieces.

"GOD DAMNIT." He yelled standing up and walking over to the tall windows behind the couch, resting his forehead on the cool glass. Eddie on the other hand was flabbergasted about the cup. He took one of the pieces in his fingers and looked at it sadly.

"My mother gave me these cups you know…" He said not looking at Kid.

Kid didn't take any notice of what the man was saying. He just glared out the window at the surrounding buildings. This couldn't be happening to him. He was the leader of a biker gang, and leaders of biker gangs _do not_ fall for other men. Even if said man is beautiful and has amazing legs.

"They don't make these anymore…" Eddie continued to pout.

It was at this moment Eddie was going to be grateful he listened to his mother and got bullet proof glass put in his apartment. 'Just in case you get an angry client.' His mother had told him, though he had no idea how a client could scale a 40 story building he heeded her advice.

"I DON'T CARE." Kid suddenly roared slamming his fist into the glass with such force Eddie was sure the whole building trembled violently. Quickly the man reached for the other china cup as it teetered precariously close to the end of the coffee table. Clutching the cup to his chest he looked up at the man who had just caused an earthquake in his apartment building. The look on Kid's face was one of an epiphany. With great speed the man leaped over the back of the couch and coffee table and landed square in front of Eddie. Taking him by the shoulder Kid shook Eddie slightly, a mad look in his eyes.

"I don't care if she is a he!" The volume of the man's voice made the tattooed man winch. "I love _him_ and that's all that matters right? I decided from the moment I laid eyes on _him_ that _he _was going to be mine! And if people don't like that they can suck my big hair dick!" with that Kid threw his head back and laughed. Eddie, who at this point wasn't quite sure what to do, removed the man's hands from his shoulders and tried to shake the image of a large hairy dick from his mind's eye.

"Okay," he said once he was sure Kid's outburst was over. "If that's how you feel, I guess we should start working on a plan." Words could not describe how happy Kid looked.

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**A/N**: Well I hoped you liked it :) I have been considering making this story more than a oneshot, but that all depends on how it is recieved. Review and tell me what you think :)


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